Friends from Wild Places

Finding Balance Between Personal Convictions and Authority Guidance

Subscriber Episode • • Shireen Botha/Tanya Scotece • Season 4 • Episode 2

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Can we really trust our own decisions when authority figures like therapists and pastors loom large in our lives? 

This episode takes a deep dive into the emotional labyrinth of shame and guilt in decision-making. Together, we navigate the overwhelming influence of figures of authority and the internal conflict that arises when their guidance overshadows our own convictions. The conversation broadens to examine the complex web of influences from family, friends, and mentors, and the subsequent emotional burden we carry. As we reflect on these experiences, we focus on recognizing and addressing these emotions to move forward in a healthier, more positive way. Join us as we promise to continue this vital conversation in future episodes, aiming to empower you with the insights needed to reconcile personal choices with external expectations.

Tanya Scotece

Shireen Botha

Book Mentioned

"Create a Life You Love" by Stephanie May Wilson

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Voiceover:

Tales from the wild, stories from the heart. A journey into the mind and soul of fired up business professionals, where they share their vision for the future and hear from a different non-profit organization every month as they create awareness of their goals and their needs. Dive into a world of untamed passion as we join our host, Shireen Botha, for this month's episode of Friends from Wild Places.

Shireen Botha:

All right, good morning, morning morning everyone. Now imagine this you're focused on growing your business, landing new clients, closing deals, but then you're hit with a pile of receipts and invoices Stressful, right? My name is Shireen Botha, from Shireen's Bookkeeping Services, and I specialize in providing seamless bookkeeping services that take the hassle out of managing your finances. Many business owners struggle with keeping their books organized, which can lead to missed opportunities and costly mistakes. Without accurate financial data, how can you make the best decisions for your business? That's where I come in. I offer comprehensive bookkeeping services, including financial reporting, payroll and more. I'll ensure your books are accurate and up to date so you can focus on what you do best running your business.

Shireen Botha:

If you or you know someone that could benefit from the expert bookkeeping services that empowers business growth, let's connect. I'd love to help you take your business to the next level. Remember, with the right numbers, you can make the right decisions. Thank you and welcome back listeners. You are listening to Friends from Wild Places, with myself, shireen, and your beautiful co-host, tanya Skodesi. How are you doing? How's your morning going?

Tanya Scotece:

Thank you so much. Thank you, yeah, good morning and welcome to our listeners and we have our special content right. That's what we're calling it special content. So super excited to be here with you, Shireen.

Shireen Botha:

Right, yeah, so, listeners, you are obviously our subscribers, so you're hearing this behind a payroll. It's just $5 a month and we are so thankful for your support. Uh, we just want to, as a little bit of a thank you, um, we want you to to send us a message and give us a question you want us to answer or a topic you want us to to speak about, and we would would love to chat about that or answer that question. We'll even give you a shout out and that's just to say thank you so much. We really do appreciate each and every single one of you, so I'm excited. Hey, tanya. This is a really special time that Tanya and I get where we can just really get deep, raw and real with our listeners of everyday things we struggle with, right.

Tanya Scotece:

Yep, that's what we're here for, yeah so a disclaimer we're not professionals, therapists.

Shireen Botha:

That's not what we're here. We're not trying to give advice. We're literally talking about our own experiences here. We're not trying to give advice. We're literally talking about our own experiences. Um, if any other things that you we're speaking about trigger you, please reach out to a professional and just speak about to to them and reach out for some help from them. Um, this is a safe space. We're here just to relax, chill and chat with one another, right? Tanya, tanya, tanya. I hear you a little bit under the weather with some bronchitis. How are you feeling?

Tanya Scotece:

yeah, I've been struggling with bronchitis for um almost about five days, six days now. So yeah, I have, um, you know, struggle with allergies, highly allergic to mold, and it triggers my asthma. So any environmental situations and right now it's work related. So just on the mend with that. So got some medication, inhalers and hopefully we'll feel better in a few days.

Shireen Botha:

Right, we all wish you the best and 100% health back, and I'm sorry you're feeling a little bit under the weather, so I'm hoping this will cheer us up a little bit. I got this book. I wanted to read a little bit out of this book, but this book needs to be said. Someone very special gave it to me, a very good friend of mine, um, tanya Scotese. It's called create a love a life you love. The book's called create a life you love and it was written by Stephanie May Wilson, and our very own Tanya gave this to me as a gift and I've been reading it and I've really gotten amazing things out of it and I just wanted to read quickly a little piece out of it which I thought was. I mean, this woman hits the nail on the head for me and there's a lot of things that I can't get out into words many times and she does for me. We're gonna be, we're gonna move to a little bit of a spiritual chat, a little bit of a religious chat. So if that's not your cup of tea or you don't really want to listen to it, that's fine. We're just going to talk about the things I grew up. My background as a child growing up was Christianity. I was forced to go to Sunday school every Sunday, so that is ingrained inside of me. I've been through ups and downs. I've gone through a lot of issues that I've had to work through because of it. So it's been a bad thing and it's been a good thing all at the same time. But, because it's ingrained in me, there's certain things that I can't change. There's automatic responses when it comes to these things, which is somewhat frustrating for me to deal with. So she just speaks about you know. The question is does God have a plan for my life? Right, and this is so good, because I feel like this is what I used to do back in the day when I was really, you know, into going to church every day and running to God and to the pastor to try and get answers for any question. But let me just go straight into it and then we can chat about it afterwards. So here we go. She says if you've spent much of your life in church, this part's for you.

Shireen Botha:

In faith communities we spend a lot of time talking about what God wants us to do. It makes sense for people of faith to seek out supernatural wisdom. We're asking big questions about our lives and we want to get it right. We don't want to step outside of God's will for our lives. Being outside of God's will sounds like driving a car without insurance it might be fine, but it could also be a total disaster, and there's no way. We're about to roll the dice. We don't want our risk of failure, rejection or a broken heart to be any greater than it has to be, and we feel like if we can just figure out what God's saying and follow his instructions perfectly, we'll come out of this. Okay, he'll take care of us, right? Yes, he will. I believe he will.

Shireen Botha:

But here's where things get tricky. God taking care of us doesn't mean he's going to wrap us in a bubble wrap. God loves you and is with you, and you can still get your heart broken. Both can be true. One peek at the Bible is enough to show you that following God doesn't mean you'll live a life without pain. In fact, jesus promised Christians the exact opposite.

Shireen Botha:

A life of faith isn't easy, it isn't cushy, and whoever said that we should only make decisions we have peace about needs to either clarify what peace is supposed to feel like or else take another look at the decisions people had to make in scripture. Our scriptural forebears may have felt supernatural peace at times, but it was certainly often mixed in with discomfort and total terror. Cut to Jesus sweating blood in the garden before he was crucified. But here's the truth we can rest on. God might not put us in the padded bubble, but he will be with us when we get hurt, and that's way better, right? If we live in a bubble, we miss out on the best parts of life, and the best parts hurt sometimes, don't they? Pursuing our dreams, falling in love, having a baby, those things all definitely go in that category. There's no life without death, no love without loss, no hope without disappointment, no success without failure. If you want to experience one, you have to risk the other. So back to figuring out what God wants us to do.

Shireen Botha:

If you're anything like me, when you're really stuck trying to figure out an aspect of your future, you pray about it. You gather up all the details of your situation and ceremoniously dump them in a pile in front of God. Here's what's happening. What should I do Then? You wait eagerly, looking up to the heavens or at your bedroom ceiling, hoping for a direct answer or a pain-free three-step plan to be revealed, but it rarely happens that way. So when that doesn't work, you'll go to church or to a pastor or to a spiritual mentor and see if they know what God wants you to do. But that gets tricky too, because while the advice you can get from them might be good and God inspired, it's going to have some of their perspective mixed in there as well. Whenever a pastor preaches a sermon or even meets you for coffee, they're taking God's word and helping you understand what it means and how to apply it. That's super helpful. The reality, though, is that while the pastor is teaching from the Bible, their teaching will also be shaped by their own perspective, knowledge and personal experiences. So when you look back over the notes you diligently took during the sermon, or jot it down on a napkin at a coffee shop, you might have some truth and wisdom from God there, but you also likely have some thoughts and opinions from the pastor mixed in alongside.

Shireen Botha:

And she goes on to say there are some decisions I've made in life, as well as some decisions I didn't make but felt guilty for not making Because of advice I was given by a pastor or spiritual mentor. In these situations, I sometimes felt like I was either following or disobeying God himself. But that's not what was happening. The truth is, I was either taking or rejecting the advice of another human, a smart, well-meaning person who was doing their best to represent God. But that's different from hearing from God himself. And then she goes on to the other side, where we go directly to the Bible for answers and we ask God okay, what must I do? And then we just open the Bible and expect the first line that we read to be the answer to our question. And then it's never that, and then we get frustrated and we walk away. Right. She ends that all with this.

Shireen Botha:

It's not that God doesn't ever have specific answers for us. There are some things God is crystal clear about, but that doesn't often include where he wants us to go to college, how many dates we should go on, which job he wants us to take between two equally good options, may I say or which house he wants us to buy. When we're looking at several options with a similar size, location and price point. And price point I'm just not sure that he cares. Don't get me wrong. I think he cares about a lot of things and he cares about us, but I just don't know that God will for our lives is as specific or easy to fall out of. Sorry, let me say that again because this is important, but I just don't know that God's will for our lives is as specific or easy to fall out of as we imagine, not even with our biggest life decisions.

Shireen Botha:

I think God looks at two houses, two jobs, two cities, two different potential spouses even, and says, yep, I can totally work with that. I'm in both places. Neither is outside of my love, my provision or my will. What do you want to do Now? If you're anything like me, you don't love that idea, which I think a lot of people listening might not love that idea.

Shireen Botha:

But for me, for me, tanya, I was like she's speaking, like I'm speak, like I wish I could speak, because that is exactly what I went through growing up.

Shireen Botha:

You know I was so adamant in trying to find out what God wanted me to do in the situation and give me the answers that sometimes I didn't make any decisions because I was too scared of not making excuse the birds I have hot dogs in my neighborhood but not making the right decisions, not staying within his will. So I missed out on probably a couple opportunities because I was too scared to make those decisions, because I was fearful of stepping out of God's will. That was very hard growing up. I've had to deal with a lot of issues like that because it's so ingrained in me. Um, it's caused a lot of issues in my life and that's why I have a very you know stance on religion, uh. So yeah, I just thought I'd share that because I think there's a lot of people that struggle, have struggled with that, and I love this perspective of you know what. You make the decision and God will be there.

Tanya Scotece:

Right, right, right are brought up with fear or not doing the right thing, whether it's religion imposed or even familial imposed. It kind of leads us to that same path where we're like deer in the headlights or stuck, or maybe not feeling that we can make that decision. Another interesting area is tying in. What you read from the excerpt of the book is sometimes even with having therapists right, like I mean, not all therapists are the same and not all therapists just because somebody is a therapist doesn't mean that they're going to be the right ones for us.

Tanya Scotece:

However, if you are in a vulnerable position and you're putting all your faith eggs whatever you want to call it into the many, many years ago and in many aspects she did wonders, like you know she really, you know, helped me see things clear. But also I turned over I'm going to use the word power to her to where I was like doing whatever she said because she said it. So I also look back to say so when people like us, you know, look at back and reflect on our lives. Were we doing things out of fear or because somebody told us, or because a therapist said to do this, which may have gone against our inner grain. So it does really, you know, make one think about, you know, the choices that we made, and you know I do my best not to live in the woulda shoulda couldas, because it's it's like, you know, that it's history. However, what do? What are we allowing now to kind of fill our head with fear or anxiety, or maybe something that we want to do but we can't, because of x, y or z?

Shireen Botha:

right, yeah, I love that. It's so important because now, you know, moving forward, like I can't do anything about the past and the missed opportunities of the past, um, but now I'm making decisions, you know, and I know God's with me. He's never going to leave me, you know. I just it makes it more. Yeah, I can hear and I need to say this you know, which frustrated me is, when I was younger, the pastor that I was with, you know, the church that I was at and the pastor I was at. I decided to move. I got a job I think this was. I left the church and I moved.

Shireen Botha:

I think this was either when I moved overseas or, yeah, it was when I moved overseas to become a, to, to become a cabin, uh, a camp counselor, right, and I didn't say anything to the pastor. I just made my decision and went and you know he was upset that I had left and not let him know, because he was like you know he, it was like I had. I felt so guilty because of the way he made me feel like I should have gone to him first and asked for his advice first, um, before I made the decision to be a camp counselor in America. Um, and I'll you know that I I had a lot of guilt over that for a very long time. Um, yeah, I'll never forget that. That was that really made me upset, you know. Um, yeah, it's, it's insane, I'll you know. Upbringing um, and for me specifically, uh, with religion, was it had horrible, um, side effects on my life, but also good ones.

Tanya Scotece:

I'm not saying they were all bad um, but do you think what was the reason if you at that time, that you were, I mean obviously seeing him in some capacity, right? So what was it about you? Do you know why you chose not to tell him?

Shireen Botha:

no, I didn't even think I. You know, it wasn't even a. I don't even think I even thought of it. You know, I didn't realize I had to you know, it wasn't, yeah, it was just a. Oh. You know, this is a great opportunity and I want to take this to be a camp counselor in America. I hope it wasn't. I wasn't thinking about it, I didn't know it was such a thing. You know, I first needed to get the AOK from my pastor before I could make these decisions.

Tanya Scotece:

Right. But I think those like when we feel that whatever that word is, like that fear or that reprimand, and then we actually examine to say, like how many people in our lives have we heard things like that from that we've reacted. So, for example, maybe it's parents, maybe it's you know people in your family, maybe it's the neighbors, maybe it's you know friends, and then you get into, you know situations where and I'm not saying this is an abuse of power. I mean, I don't think that's what this is sounding like personally. But you can also envision where people are putting all their faith into another person, right and again, whether it's a counselor, whether it's a pastor, whether it's you know somebody that you look up to maybe your spouse, maybe whoever and then we are putting their opinion or their perspective on what we should do and that makes it completely wrong for us.

Shireen Botha:

Correct. Yeah, and I think what the biggest problem I had with the whole thing is the guilt that was left inside of me for such a long time because of it. That I thought was a little bit unfair. You know, I just wish it, because it did. It had such a hold on me for a really long time until finally I had to actually go. Hey, you know what I made the best decision. God didn't leave me. He was there with me.

Tanya Scotece:

It's not like because, you know, for such a long time I thought I had made the wrong decision, you know yeah, yeah so I think, I think the um, the area that I'd like to, maybe we could go um, explore together is being left with shame and guilt. And what do we do with that? Like, like you know what I mean? Because maybe there's situations where you know, either we have owned the guilt that somebody has imposed on us or the shame, and then those are like really dark cloaks to wear, you know, shame and guilt, and people spend years trying to unravel and undo and come out of, emerge whatever word you want to use of that shame and guilt. So, yeah, so let's explore that for our next, uh, our next chat and, uh, hopefully our listeners will, you know, enjoy this segment of our, you know, just kind of going deep and seeing what, what comes about yeah, thanks, dan Sonia.

Shireen Botha:

Yeah, I just thought. Let me just tell the book again. So it's Create a Life you Love from Stephanie Mae Wilson. Stephanie Mae Wilson is the book that I read from this episode and, yeah, I think that was something. I think that's relatable to a lot of people. I think that was something I think that's relatable to a lot of people. But before we go, please tell the listeners a little bit about where they can reach you if they want to reach out to you.

Tanya Scotece:

Sure, sure. So, Tanya Scotece, and that is S-C-O-T-E-C-E. I hang out quite a bit on LinkedIn. That's my hub. I'm a full-time professor and oversee the mortuary program at Miami Dade College in Miami Florida. I also am a senior placement specialist, matching people with communities who can no longer live alone, and my third area of expertise is serving as an expert witness in funeral home and cemetery wrongdoing. So those are my three camps, but feel free to find me on LinkedIn, be happy to connect, do a one-to-one and see how I can support each of your visions. So back to you, Shireen.

Shireen Botha:

Oh, wonderful, okay, yeah, so, as you know, this is friendsfromwildplaces. buzzsprout. com. That's the website, friendsfromwildplaces. buzzsprout. com. You will find a lot more from us Subscribers. We are so grateful to you. Please go ahead and send us messages Also, you know, send a question in. You can find me also on linkedin. Shireen Botha. Uh, Shireen's Bookkeeping Services is my business. Um, I am a woman-owned business here, so, uh, if that's something you want to reach out to me about, you can do that too. But, yeah, I think that narrows down everything, and we are so excited to um, to do the next one for you. So we'll see you next time and remember you got this and stay wild. Bye, guys.

Tanya Scotece:

Bye-bye.

Voiceover:

You've been listening to friends from wild places with Shireen Botha. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast from the links to catch every episode and unleash your passion.

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Shireen Botha

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Tanya Scotece

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