Friends from Wild Places

The Challenge of Self-Comparison in a Digital World

Subscriber Episode • • Shireen Botha/Tanya Scotece • Season 4 • Episode 3

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Navigating the stormy seas of comparison and insecurity can be a daunting journey, especially for women in their late 20s and 30s or even 40s. We've all felt that twinge of doubt when scrolling through others' highlight reels on social media. Join us as Tanya opens up about her reflections on how social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy. Shireen shares her own unique path, embracing a non-traditional lifestyle without the typical societal milestones of marriage or children. Together, we unpack societal pressures and explore the notion that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all "normal" when it comes to life’s journey. Drawing from Stephanie Mae Wilson’s "Create a Life You Love," we explore the importance of recognizing the diversity of women’s experiences and fostering an understanding that everyone’s path is valid.

Tanya Scotece

Shireen Botha

Book Mentioned

"Create a Life You Love" by Stephanie May Wilson

Our aim is to create a supportive dialogue and remind you that you're not alone. We invite you to connect with us on LinkedIn to continue the conversation, share your thoughts, or even suggest future topics. Let's support one another in embracing our unique paths and celebrating personal growth.

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Voice over:

Tales from the wild, stories from the heart. A journey into the mind and soul of fired up business professionals, where they share their vision for the future and hear from a different non-profit organization every month as they create awareness of their goals and their needs. Dive into a world of untamed passion as we join our host, Shireen Botha, for this month's episode of Friends from Wild Places.

Shireen Botha:

All right, welcome, welcome back. Are you running a service-based business? Well, I am Shireen Botha. I am the Boutique Bookkeeper and QuickBooks Pro Advisor, and now imagine having more time to focus on what you love while boosting your profits. Let Shireen's Bookkeeping Services be your trusted partner.

Shireen Botha:

Outsourcing your bookkeeping isn't just a cost. It's an investment that pays off. Outsourcing your bookkeeping isn't just a cost. It's an investment that pays off. With our monthly meetings, we create visibility into your finances, ensuring you're always in control. Plus, our consistent client communication builds credibility, making your business shine. Looking for business owners with bookkeeping issues shine. Looking for business owners with bookkeeping issues To have a free consultation with me. Unlock your business's potential with Shireen's Bookkeeping Services today. So if you want to know more, go check me out at www. shireensbookkeeping. com and allow me to look after your books, so you don't have to Welcome back listeners. You are listening to Friends from Wild Places, and this is our bonus content, where Tanya and I just share on some of the everyday issues that we've dealt with and how we moved past it. How are you doing, Tanya?

Tanya Scotece:

Oh, doing great. Shireen, happy to be here with you today and seeing what topic we can dive a little deeper in and explore further.

Shireen Botha:

Absolutely. We're so excited for you to be here. This is really a time where we can just be ourselves and vulnerable and just very transparent with everybody. So, yeah, I thought I thoroughly enjoyed our last one, tanya, where we actually got the book out that you gave me as a gift. It's called Create a Life you Love from Stephanie Mae Wilson, and we read a little piece out of it last time and we really got into some good topics. So I thought I'd read another little short piece for us and then we can discuss a little bit of what resonates with us.

Shireen Botha:

So this one is all about comparison and man, us, ladies, we, we love to compare, especially with each other. So she chatted a little bit about it. So here we go comparison and the insecurity it drags along with it might be the toughest part about everything error. We're trying so hard, putting ourselves out there, desperately hoping we're not going to fail. It would be easier if we could look at the women to our right and left and see that we're on track and normal, or at least that everyone else feels as lost as we do. We may not be in the same place our sisters or our moms were when they were our age, but certainly we're all in it together when it comes to our peers right Wrong. The thing is, you've walked in lockstep with your friends for most of your life. You started kindergarten, learned to read in elementary school, wrestled with algebra in middle school and eventually decided where you'd go to college. And sure, some of your circumstances and experiences may have differed, but in many ways you hit the same milestones around the same time and they there are safety in that and there was safety in that, but somewhere around 25 things changed.

Shireen Botha:

Women's lives can look a zillion different ways, especially by late 20s and 30s, and they do. It's totally normal for a woman in her 30s to have a high-powered, high-paying career that she loves. It's also totally normal for a woman to be in school in her 30s or starting a brand new career. It's totally normal for a 30-year-old woman to be making a cozy, happy home with her husband and kids. It's also completely normal for her to be renting an apartment with friends or living with her parents to both help them out and save money. It's totally normal for a woman in her 30s to be changing her youngest kid's last diaper. She's done with the baby phase forever. It's also totally normal for a woman in her 30s to think she might want to have kids someday, but have no clue when or what that might look like for her.

Shireen Botha:

This is particularly a lonely season of life. For this exact reason, you're navigating something wild and foreign and, instead of having a slew of sisters around you saying, you two, oh, that's hard. You're trying to talk to your best friend about your dating life while she's trying to get her newborn baby to eat. You feel bad talking to her about what you're going through and you also feel like she cannot possibly understand. And she feels the same way. It's a lonely feeling. For the first time in her lives, there is no one normal, and this is unsettling. We're peeking to our right and left trying to figure out if we're on the right track, and the answer always feels like no. For all these reasons, comparison is one of the hardest challenges our generation faces, and social media has not made it any easier.

Shireen Botha:

And she goes on and she chats about how social media I mean let's come on every, as everywhere you look on social media, people are posting about their wonderful lives, their families, their jobs, the lifestyles they take on, jobs, the lifestyles they take on, and you know it's many times it's really hard to see that, especially if you're not sure you know if you're on the right track, or whatever the case may be.

Tanya Scotece:

I think she hit the nail on the head with this one. What do you think, tanya? Yes, I think, you know, especially for women, and I don't know why it's women versus men, but I do feel that women have we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and you know, I remember even when my daughter was born, and she was born in 93. You know, there was even at that time, for example, like you know whose child is, you know, you know potty trained and whose child be part of a productive society. There's so many things that we restrict ourselves and we start to compare.

Tanya Scotece:

So I, in my opinion, I think the Facebook era, as far as that type of social media, I think that really enhances this topic. As far as you know what people are posting, um, you know what people are looking at and then getting off of those social media platforms and feeling less than or feeling not as good about themselves in comparison to someone else. So that's my take on it shireen, um, what area would you say, um, if like, for yourself, as far as is it Facebook, or is there another platform that you feel can kind of I don't want to say dig into this, but maybe trigger this response for people?

Shireen Botha:

Well, I mean, I think it's all of them really, wherever you have connections with friends, family, um, that are you're able to see their social media and they're able to see all social media. I think those are all real big temptations to, as you, scrolling with your finger, you, you are going to see somebody's page, you know somebody's page, you know somebody's where they are in life, what they're doing, and I just you know it's such a big issue I think as women have is, you know, we are all so different. And the funny thing is she ends with some really good news, which I think is so important, and she says you know, the the best news is once you realize that there's no right answer and therefore no wrong answer. Making decisions about your life can be incredibly beautiful, fun and exciting process as you create a masterpiece and a life that's all your own and that's so true.

Shireen Botha:

Um, I I think, if I'm talking about myself, I'm in a very different space than any of the people that I went to school with my family? Um, I would you know if you had spoken to me when I was still in school and told me this was where I was going to end up, as I would have been like, oh you know, so shocked. Is that the right thing, you know? Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? But there is no good or bad thing. This is where I am and I'm loving my life and I I'm not married, I don't have any kids, never have had been married.

Shireen Botha:

Um, I'm single. Uh, I'm traveling, I have my little house and wheels. Um, I'm very much on, you know, on the road, living life as a, you know, wherever it takes me, running my own business, and I think it's so easy to look at other people and go, oh shucks, you know, am I missing out that because I'm not married? Am I missing out because I don't have any kids? Am I missing out? Um, no, you're not. You're not because the person that's married and having kids is probably looking at you going I'm jealous.

Tanya Scotece:

Yes, yes, and I remember, you know. It brings me back to a time I can remember. So I was married twice, once when I was 18. And the second time I was, I think it was early twenties Can't even recall that it was actually 92. So, whatever, whatever that equates to math wise, but I remember going to Cancun.

Tanya Scotece:

And I remember going to Cancun with my friends, probably a year and a half before I met my second husband, and I remember sitting in the hot tub and this beautiful, you know Cancun beach and just admiring you know the scenery and just feeling like I had all my friends around me and there was such an emptiness because I didn't have a partner. So I remember feeling like sitting in this hot tub with my friends, looking at the couple, saying, man, like I wish I was them, and then seeing a couple walk the beach and it was like, oh, like feeling less than. And then I went back with my then second husband and I remember the same exact hotel in the same exact spot, saying to myself, man, I wish I was those single people in the hot tub. And I was like, oh, it's just so funny, like perception where we think we should be and what the emotion that surrounds it. But I think that's like, for me, the bigger picture is understanding where is that emotion coming from and that's the trigger right. And so, once you can identify the trigger, because, yeah, everyone can look at somebody else to say, oh, that person looks happy because they're with somebody, that person looks happy because they have kids, that person looks happy because they're single, that person looks happy because they can come and go as they please.

Tanya Scotece:

And even more recently, you know, we just had the Hurricane Milton pass through, which was preceded by Hurricane Helene, here in the United States, especially on the West Coast and East Coast of Florida. So some of those conversations came up. You know, usually homeownership is like living the American dream and you know people want to own a home. Well, it's also funny because, you know, right, currently I'm renting, happily renting, and I'm embracing renting because I didn't have that worry about worrying about a house during this hurricane, you know.

Tanya Scotece:

So it's just funny how the perception and I'm not saying people that own a home are, you know, it's not I'm not advocating to say rental is better than homeownership. I'm just using this analogy that we can look at anything and have a comparison about someone less than and someone more than in any situation, from how tall we are, how much we weigh, how how much schooling somebody has, how many relationships somebody has, how many children, how many jobs, how much money's in the bank account. It's like it's just such a variable, but yet we some of us or we've tried to evolve not equate so much about well worth and wealth in the same equation.

Shireen Botha:

I think you're so right about that because it is, it's so true. It doesn't matter where you are in life. You are there for a reason and it's your journey. No one else can do you. You know you are the only person that can live out this life right now and you do it the way you want to do it. Create that masterpiece. And you do it the way you want to do it. Create that masterpiece, rent for the rest of your life and travel the world until you know. The time is to pass away, you know, or buy a house on a prairie somewhere with a family and three kids, it's. If that's what you want, then that's awesome. It's all beautiful. Whatever your decision is and your journey lands you, it's all beautiful. Whatever your decision is and your journey lands you, it's all beautiful.

Tanya Scotece:

Yeah, but there's so much, just, I would just say pressure from us and not all of us. But I just think there are times that and also another interesting. I mean maybe perspective is Also another interesting. I mean, maybe perspective is we tend to sometimes do it more when things aren't going well, right, right, and I don't know why that is, but it's almost like that might be a little bit of a trigger to say, when things like, let's say, somebody either just got out of a relationship or is feeling that lack, and then it's like looking outside of us to say, oh, this person has that.

Tanya Scotece:

Or like, for example, let's say, someone has a miscarriage, you know, and they're like, oh, you know, like I would be happy if I was to be pregnant, or if I would be happy if I was to be married. I would be happy, fill in the blank. So that's under that guise of conditions, right, meaning that if this happened then I would be fill in the blank. So I think, from my perspective, what I've been on the journey is to just be happy regardless of the universe. It's easier to kind of get into that mind frame when we may not be feeling it in the moment, right, right.

Shireen Botha:

And you know the funny thing, I love what you just said because you say it triggers certain triggers of all things that we think should look a certain way. Think should look a certain way. I was. I think the word that I would use would be the expectations.

Shireen Botha:

You know, assumed expectations, explicit expectations, implicit expectations, all these different things of how we think certain things should be, whether it was said by someone or whether it was something that we just assumed because it was something we saw. Whatever their case may be, we should actually take some time and really dig deep to find out why we think certain things should look a certain way and try and piece that apart really, and and see if you can answer your own questions. If, if you're trying to make a big decision, whatever the decision is that you're trying to make in your life, I think that would be the best way to do it is actually think about what you think it should look like and then ask yourself why you think it should look that way and then untangling those expectations and I think you know that would really just help you figure out the choice you you you would like to make for you, not for anyone else, not, you know, from any inputs, from any party, but just you. So what?

Tanya Scotece:

has helped you, shereen, to kind of give the listeners something maybe to try or learn from. If you have had a situation where you were triggered, based on this, based on a comparison, what has helped you kind of shift that mindset has it been? Just, I'm just going to give you some ideas. I mean, has it been reading? Has it been something? Has it been therapy? Has it been music? What can you identify? Maybe some suggestions for our listeners if they're feeling this capacity of less than or lack thereof.

Shireen Botha:

Well, just like everyone's walking a journey in life I'm too, and I suppose, at different phases of my life, it was something else that was helping me through those times, and at one point it was therapy.

Shireen Botha:

And I'm not saying it isn't now, I'm saying, you know, reading, reading has also been a part of helping me work through certain big decisions that I have to make in life, questions that I was wondering. So I think those are the two biggest things is reading and and definitely therapy. I mean, I've been going to therapy for years and years now and I've dealt in my adult age, I've dealt with a lot of childhood trauma that's only come up in my adult age, and so I've only been able to really truly deal with it. So therapy and even if you don't have childhood trauma, I think therapy is important at any part in life uh, I think the therapist is there for you to help you and guide you through whatever it is that you are going through. I don't think there's a specific mode that has to be uh set for you to need a therapist.

Tanya Scotece:

So so some, some thoughts. Um, from my end would be um, sound healing frequencies, so free, um, anyone can just go to like youtube, for example, and you can just put in sound frequencies for healing and fill in the blank. It can be for for heart trauma, it could be for physical, it can be for not feeling well. So if somebody has an illness you can actually even for objects. One of my students actually was saying that her phone got water damage in it her iPhone and she actually did sound frequencies for iPhone healing and she didn't even have to take it to the store, it actually healed it. So I've done it and I actually play the frequencies in my classes.

Tanya Scotece:

It's interesting because it's just like if somebody was to start working out, like from a physical, you have to start slow, in my opinion. So trying to sit there and listen to 10 minutes of frequencies could be overkill. It would almost be like going into a gym for two hours if anyone hasn't worked out before. So my suggestion for sound frequencies if any of our listeners want to try it, is to just put in a Google search or YouTube search sound frequencies for whatever may be ailing you emotionally, physically, and see what those frequencies come up at so 528 Hertz.

Tanya Scotece:

It's the heart healing frequency, and then there's also frequencies for the whole body. So people can start with a few minutes. Just get into a relaxed state, perhaps in a recliner couch or even your own bed, and just do some deep breathing, just kind of like in through the nose, like this Hold it for five, four, three, two, one, and release through the mouth and do that a couple of more times and as you're listening to the frequencies, just let the vibration of sound take you through. There's also sound baths that are pretty popular here in the US that people can go to like a group event. But again, if you're not used to it and you end up going to a sound bath, it's overkill. You can get very agitated and very irritable if it's not the frequency for you. So go slow with frequencies. But that has been a remarkable transformation for me personally and I'm hoping our listeners can enjoy it.

Shireen Botha:

I love that, sonia. I think I'm going to look into that. I have heard about sound baths. I haven't been to one, but I have definitely heard of healing sounds and I think that advice of just doing a little bit at a time is such good advice because I think, as human beings in general, I think if we try something we'm going to go to the gym and then they like cold turkey it, or go five times a week, two hours every day, you know. So you're so right about that. Like take little little bits at a time. But yeah, sure, I think that's that podcast, this episode that we've just done now. Tanya was a really good one. So we're going to end it here. But, listeners, I'm going to take some time. If you want to reach out to myself or to Tanya at any time, you want to ask us questions or you want to share something with us, you're more than welcome to reach out, tanya. Where can they reach you?

Tanya Scotece:

So I live on LinkedIn. That's my hub. So it's Tanya T-A-N-Y-A. Last name S, as in Sam C-O-T, as in Tom E-C, as in Charlie E. As in Edward. Find me there. Contact information is there. And how about you, shireen? Where can they find you?

Shireen Botha:

Yeah, you can find my personal page, Shireen Botha, also on LinkedIn. You can find Shireen Botha on most social media pages. Um, my business is on LinkedIn shireen's bookkeeping services. Uh, our you know website is friends from wild places. buzzsprout. com. That's friends from our places, you know it. You, you're here already, you're listening to us, so we don't have to go through that. But please leave us a message. That's what we we'd like from you guys. If you could just leave us a message, ask us a question, uh, or, you know, tell us something that you would like us to talk about. You know, it will be really interesting to to see what you guys would like to to hear us chat about. But, yeah, I think that will do it for today and remember you got this and stay wild.

Voice over:

Bye, guys, bye, bye you've been listening to friends from wild places with Shireen Botha. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast from the links to catch every episode and unleash your passion.

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Shireen Botha

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Tanya Scotece

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